Sex And Parenting: Can The Two Of Them Get It On?

In my series about inspirational fathers, I would like to introduce to you Anthony Eldrigde-Rogers. Anthony lives with his partner and their three unschooled children in Italy and he’s interested in many, many exiting things: He has been involved in photography, film making, commercials production, pop videos, producing, directing….marketing PR, environmental projects….writing screenplays…then there was farming fruit and having a restaurant…to name but a few. He has always been interested in people, how people live and make sense of their lives. Now Anthony is working as a Recovery and Wellness Coach…. he trains coaches, and is writing a book (soon to be published), plus various plants for retreats and… you see, the list is long!

I so much love Anthony and his family’s blog which you can find here: www.unschoolingthekids.com

Now, I invite you to read Anthony’s post on sex and parenting and on how creative you can be to find the time for both. Enjoy!

Sex And Parenting: Can The Two Of Them Get It On?

First off a quick warning. I am going to mention s*x in this blog…..you have been warned.

Homeschooling, unschooling, home education. Whatever we call it usually means that children are around a lot. From dawn to dusk. I love it and so does my partner but…….it raises a challenge for the intimate part of our relationship. Before we had children….yes I can remember it well, we had freedom.

You know, get up late, stay in bed all day. Walk around naked all though the house and generally enjoy an open sensuous life.

We don’t do that anymore but not all has been lost. Now, apart from the intense adjustment that twins bring, having a baby is well a game changer. Post birth, about 12 month in and post breast feeding and before the next one came along there was a brief period where things slightly adjusted. But of course it has never been the same again.

I remember when they were all babies and we talked about schooling. Lurking in the back of my mind was the idea that when school started we might have the chance to kick back for a couple hours a day from time to time (us being self employed and all that) and revisit pre baby adult life.

That did work a bit until we stopped sending the kids to school! Then it collapsed.

But it matters. I believe that the adult carers, usually parents or a couple in an intimate relationship, should be the prime focus of family life as this is in the best interest of the children. Mum and Dad happy and singing off the same (ok, similar) hymn sheet means more harmony, balance and good feeling. Equals better for les enfants terrible.

If the wellbeing of the primary relationship is based in part on intimacy, sensuous engagement and good old in the sack lust then it needs to be kindled and kept burning in the grate of desire.

In our house the windows of opportunity are slim and often ill timed. Sure we can get cracking on these things after the kids are asleep but in reality by 10pm I and my beloved are often basket cases. Can hardly string a word to a word to a word. And we long ago learnt to never, ever ever try to have a serious emotional conversation about anything important that we might disagree about after 4.00pm. Disaster. All the gremlins come out for a party.

So that leaves when? Er, early morning? Well our son has been getting up before us for several years now and even if we could set a ‘love’ alarm early enough can we get past the anxiety that he will get up a bit earlier and find us rolling around? So we lock the door right? True but you cannot put a lock on your psyche so a mere knock at the door might come at any time and he might have been standing there for a few minutes before hand!

And this is assuming we got past needing a coffee first thing (yup, I confess I have a major coffee habit first thing. And I know I am a wellness coach so should be on it and I am really). And then what about actually summoning up the actual desire? That can take a while. I am not a robot you know. Can’t just flick a switch and game on!

So late at night is a challenge and so is early am. That leaves the day. When the kids are around all day more or less. And as the girls schedule is different to our sons then only occasionally are they both out. It seems like once a decade.

We resorted some time ago to using hotels. When we just couldn’t find the space at home we would find a babysitter and go to a hotel. Not for the night necessarily. Sometimes we ended driving home at 12pm to relieve said baby sitter.

Those trips were and are gorgeous. Not only do we get the chance to slow down and chill and just have a bit of quiet but we get to have a conversation for as long as we want without getting interrupted! Yay! That’s adult gold.

So we plan more of them.

We work at it. We have to. Oxytocin rules. Intimacy makes for positive hormones which makes for closeness and good feeling. We adults need this as part of our natural health. We meet parents from time to time who seem to wear the “Oh we have never had a night alone in 12 years since the kids came” badge of honour. Usually, if we share that we do hotels they look righteously envious and irritated with us all at the same time.

But there is a deeper point here I want to end on.

Children learn by watching and sensing what adults actually do and they are masters of intuition. You can’t bullshit them. They glean and code how relationships work from the ones they see. If they see adults making time for each other. Committing to that, smiling, hand holding, being intimate. Looking like you do when you have had a heavenly hour or two just lying in bed and around with your lover. They feel it and know it for what it is. Love between two people in a relationship. If they don’t get it from us where will they get it from? A book? Er um well our son can’t read quite yet. Anyway you can’t read it into your life.

As I grew up I never realised until I was about 12 that adults actually touched each other affectionately. I was astounded! It made my adult to adult explorations rather difficult as it felt weird for a few years. Now I am affection nut. You name it I will hug it. I sometimes kiss things around the house ( to amuse the kids ) but actually quite enjoy it.

So intimacy requited matters. It binds and bonds and shows all without words but with behaviours and actions.

Anthony Eldridge-Rogers is a Recovery to Wellness Coach

He writes for www.unschoolingthekids.com as well as www.recoveryandwellnessblog.com

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Equal Parenting = Happy Parenting

I think to achieve a harmonious home life both partners need to be involved and active in parenting. But the truth is, that in most families either both parents work full time or one does while the other stays at home with the kids. I believe this is not a healthy situation in the long term. Even though both might love what they do, they get too much of one world and not enough of the other.

Yes, it’s a privilege and wonderful being able to spend the days with the kids as well as going out to work (as long as you like what you’re doing). But I find humans are not made for JUST one or the other. There are so many passions, wishes, dreams inside us. So many different things we can and want to do, that just choosing one path makes most of us dissatisfied.

When I am at home with the kids I love playing with them, have the freedom of spending my day as I wish, and they wish, do crafty, outdoorsy things together and have fun. BUT as soon as I do it for the third day in a row I catch myself wishing I had some more time for myself, pursuing things that are difficult to do with the kids in tow. Or just having some space for myself (hey, go to the toilet without being disrupted)!

But equally, when I spend days at work, I love being able to get things done uninterrupted, to be challenged intellectually and spend time with adults. BUT after a few days I miss being with the kids.

It’s a lose-lose situation for both partners. I think many parents want to escape these static roles and realise that we just don’t fit in only one role.

So how can you organise life in a way that you get the good of both worlds without having to move into a caravan and live in the woods? (Although that might actually be a great adventure!)

I think first of all it’s good to reflect on what you need and want. You only have this one life (yes, really! Well, reincarnation might exist, but who knows you might be an ant in your next life…). So, what is it that you need to do, that you have to do? What did you love to do when you were 9 years old?

Once, you have an idea, make sure you include that in your life! Make time, work less, share responsibilities equally. There are many different models out there, finding the right one is not easy, but definitely do-able. It takes courage and it’s scary to go for change, but it’s worth it, always. Only when you are happy in yourself and content with your life, can you also fully be present with your partner and your children, and this is the most important “thing”, don’t you think?

Tell me what you think and whether you have come up with ideas of how to parent more equally!

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100 Ways To Be A Better Father

I love reaching out to other fathers/parents! Back in May I discovered Derek Markham’s blog NaturalPapa.com and I re-posted his great article about how to be a better husband.

I find Derek’s blog very inspirational and I love his writing. He talks about attachment, natural parenting, co-sleeping, natural living and so much more. Please visit his site and enjoy reading his awesome stuff!

Today I would like to share his post about 100 Ways to Be a Better Father. I agree with most of the points Derek has made. But when he talks about praise, I see that issue in a different way and refer to Alfie Kohn’s work on ‘Unconditional Parenting’. Have a read yourself and enjoy!

Fatherhood: 100 Ways to be a Better Father

Fatherhood is a tricky proposition. We all want to be great dads, but chances are, our fathers never sat down with us and taught us how to be one.

And we don’t necessarily want to be our fathers. I mean, we want to emulate their positive influence on us, but we also want to do it our own way. And because children tend to spend more of their time with their mother, not being the greatest dad ever isn’t as obvious. No matter who we are, though, we can always improve our relationship with our kids and our spouse, and we can redefine the meaning of fatherhood each and every day.

There’s not as big of a movement toward better ‘fathering’ as there is toward better mothering. No big fancy fatherhood magazines, no Oprah for dads, no real exchange of fatherhood improvement programs. There’s just Natural Papa. (I’m kidding. There’s a bunch of great dad blogs out there.)

I’m a crappy dad sometimes, yet I hope that I’m always learning how to be a better father, so I felt moved to put some of my thoughts on fatherhood down in words to share with you.

I read a post called ‘Tackle Any Issue With a List of 100′, by Luciano Passuello, a couple of weeks ago, and then later I came across ’100 Ways To Live A Better Life, by Dragos, which was inspired by ’100 Ways to Be a Better Leader’, by Mike King, which was inspired by ’100 Ways To Show Boldness’, by Armen, which was originally inspired by…  You guessed it, Luciano’s post about lists of 100. Whew. Got that straight?

Anyway, after reading those, I thought I would format my ideas on fatherhood into my own list of 100. If you have something to add, I’d love a comment about it.

100 Ways to be a Better Father

1. Be present with your children.
2. Heap lavish amounts of praise on your kids.
3. Focus on the positive when speaking to your children.
4. Say I love you. A lot.
5. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions to your family.
6. Work on improving your relationship with your wife or partner.
7. Take time out from work for family time.
8. Laugh at yourself. All the time.
9. Listen to your kids with all of your attention.
10. Learn new things by teaching your children about them.
11. Start a personal journal.
12. Hold your kids accountable for their actions and words, but don’t use punishment to teach..
13. Leave your watch and daytimer on your desk sometimes.
14. Make a meal for your family.
15. Do something wacky and unpredictable in front of your kids.
16. Spend some time one-on-one with your child.
17. Get moving. Have a fitness plan in place and get your kids to join in.
18. Take more walks, and leave the car at home.
19. Fall in love with your wife. Again.
20. Admit you’re wrong when you are.
21. Forgive your dad for any grudges you hold against him.
22. Teach a new dad what you’ve learned so far.
23. Take time for yourself, so you can bring that sense of fulfillment with you to the family.
24. Remember what you hated to hear from your parents as a kid and vow to be different.
25. Read out loud to your children.
26. Leave your work issues at your job. Don’t dump on your kids because your day was bad.
27. Drop your change in a jar each day. When full, open a savings account for your child.
28. Once in a while, ask your kids what you can do better. Then do it better.
29. Hugs and kisses are golden. Be generous.
30. Let your kids make their own choices.
31. Get out in nature with the family.
32. Count to 10 before you react to your children’s actions.
33. Remember that kids mirror our actions, so watch what you say to or around them.
34. Parenting is a shared responsibility. Jump in and do something mom normally does.
35. Learn from your elders – ask them what they’ve learned as fathers.
36. When a child does something not so nice, separate their actions from them in your mind. A child is never bad, even though their actions may be.
37. The next time you feel like giving up on something, do it anyway and use it as a teaching moment.
38. Remember that everyone is somebody’s child.
39. Listen to yourself. Do you sound like your dad? Is that a good thing?
40. Give yourself a break. I haven’t met a father yet who doesn’t make mistakes.
41. Unplug the TV and pretend it’s broken once in a while. Or hide it.
42. Go with your child to school once in a while. Meet the teacher and ask how you can help.
43. Make your health and fitness a priority so you’ll be around for your kids for a long time.
44. Teach the value of service to others by volunteering in your neighborhood, church, or school.
45. Write love notes and leave them for your kids to find.
46. Read a book about fatherhood.
47. Write a book about fatherhood.
48. Make some snacks for the kids as a surprise.
49. Speak as one with your wife, so your kids don’t play you off on one another.
50. Do you say yes all the time? Use no when you mean it, even if they don’t like it.
51. Do you say no all the time? Say yes once in a while.
52. Snuggle with your kids.
53. Show your wife respect always. Make sure your kids do also.
54. Take the time to really explain things to your children. Don’t just say “because I said so.”
55. Ask for help if you need it. Don’t suffer from excess pride.
56. Accept who you are, but don’t settle. Strive to improve yourself every day.
57. Smile at your children and your partner.
58. Make amends when you’re wrong or grumpy or harsh with your kids.
59. Periodically assess your life and change course if needed. Don’t be unhappy just because you think you can’t change.
60. Take a class or learn a new skill with your kids.
61. Act as if you’re the best dad ever.
62. Imagine you’ve only got one week left to live. How would you treat your kids? What’s stopping you from doing that right now?
63. Let your kids see you cry.
64. Explore every park in your town.
65. Once in a while, take a day off just because, and spend it with your family.
66. Find out about your family history and start sharing it with your kids.
67. Give high fives for each tiny accomplishment they make.
68. Get out of debt as quick as you can, and teach your kids about the value of being debt-free.
69. Take a big leap when you see an opportunity, and show your children about trust, faith, and the virtue of following your dreams.
70. Get down on their level and try to see things as they do. Chances are, you’ve forgotten what it’s like.
71. Learn some really corny kid jokes and use them often.
72. Hold a family meeting and get your kid’s input on important decisions.
73. Don’t just give your kids the answers to questions. Show them how to find the answers.
74. Remember, they’re never too old for piggyback rides.
75. Have patience with your children. Don’t expect them to be perfect.
76. Don’t insist on conformity. Let your kids follow their dreams, not yours.
77. Hold their hands, literally.
78. Remember to let your children save face. Embarrassing them in front of their friends is not cool.
79. Keep your relationship issues between you and your wife. Don’t let your kids take on all your crap.
80. When your children were babies, you gushed over them. Do the same thing for them now.
81. Don’t gossip around your kids.
82. Stand up for the weak, the oppressed, the underdog.
83. Grow a beard. (Actually, I just put that in to see if you were paying attention.)
84. Take your child to work with you and explain what you do for a living.
85. Make something by hand with them. Don’t worry about perfection, just enjoy the process.
86. Once in a while, give them a “get out of jail free” card.
87. Tell your children how much they mean to you.
88. Follow through on your promises to them.
89. Give your kids responsibilities.
90. Speak to your children as your equals. Give them the respect you ask for.
91. Plan surprises for them and keep them guessing.
92. When speaking to other adults, act as if your kids were listening.
93. Play games with your children. Let them win sometimes, but don’t make it obvious or easy.
94. Before you walk in the door from work, take some deep breaths and leave your work outside.
95. Give mom the day off once in a while, and get the kids to help you pamper her.
96. Be generous with your time, your energy, and your money. Give freely to those in need.
97. Cultivate your fatherhood Superpowers.
98. Don’t let other adults get away with unacceptable behavior around your kids.
99. Remember the Golden Rule. It does apply to your children as well.
100. Find your center and define what truly matters to you. Make that your inner retreat when life throws you a curve ball, and share that with your kids.

What have I missed? Please leave a comment with your addition to this list.

 

About Derek

Personal, Parenting and Natural Living Bio:

I’m a husband, a father, and a carrier of things.

I think peanut butter on anything is great.

I love big mountains and little kids, ’cause they make me smile, and I drink a double americano almost every day.

I’m a nature boy, a tree-hugging dirt-worshiper. I try to live with reverence for our web of life.

I like big trees and large boulders, cold mountain streams and redrock desert, the smell of pinyon and sage. I’d rather be sitting in a canoe in the wilderness than the backseat of a Rolls Royce.

(As long as the canoe had an espresso machine and a wireless connection…)

Things I dig include: simple living, natural fatherhood, attachment parenting, natural building, unassisted childbirth (homebirth), bicycles, composting (sawdust) toilets, organic and biodynamic gardening, vegan peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips, bouldering, and the blues.

In my life I’ve been a factory worker, a farmer, a grocery clerk, a handyman and jack of all trades. I’ve worked at fast food joints and car washes, for temp agencies and day labor hire, for moving companies and landscapers. I’ve driven forklifts and bobcats, and I’ve installed solar panels and sold fruit at the farmers market. I spent 10 years in the natural foods industry, most recently as the general manager of a natural foods co-op.

I support local food production and am a regular at the farmers market and our local food co-op. The dream of a sustainable homestead is still alive for us, and our self-sufficient zero-energy input green home is being planned. Our permaculture oasis is a sustainable small-scale village. Single-speed bicycles, drumming, and DIY anything can really make me grin.

 

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How to be a Better Husband: Find Common Ground

I love reaching out to other fathers/parents. Very recently I discovered Derek Markham’s blog NaturalPapa.com
I find Derek’s blog very inspirational and I love his writing. He talks about attachment, natural parenting, co-sleeping, natural living and so much more. Please visit his site and enjoy reading his awesome stuff!

Check out what Derek says about himself:

I’m a husband, a father, and a carrier of things.

I think peanut butter on anything is great.

I love big mountains and little kids, ’cause they make me smile, and I drink a double americano almost every day.

I’m a nature boy, a tree-hugging dirt-worshiper. I try to live with reverence for our web of life.

I like big trees and large boulders, cold mountain streams and redrock desert, the smell of pinyon and sage. I’d rather be sitting in a canoe in the wilderness than the backseat of a Rolls Royce.

The post today comes from his blog and you can find the original post HERE. Now, enjoy reading it:

People grow apart. It’s as natural as people growing closer – they develop different interests, have different time or money demands, or they may begin cultivating new habits or dropping old habits. And in friendships, this may not ever be a concern, as we’re much more likely to still retain a friendship even if it’s only a fraction of the interest we once had. However, in a marriage, growing apart can be fatal to the relationship.

There exists a perfect couple somewhere in the universe, a couple whose marriage is always in a smooth strong upward swing. And then there are the rest of us… Our relationships swing wildly from hot to cold, from spending-every-minute-together to hoping-you-don’t-argue-today, from “true love” to divorce court.

One big factor in the strength of a relationship is the existence of some common ground and a shared dream between the people. It’s a no-brainer, really. We like and admire and love and want to be around people who share similar experiences and want to achieve similar goals.

As a new couple, we spend lots of time together – talking about the things we love and care about, attending events that we both enjoy, and participating in each other’s lives through mutual interests and friends. We may dream of a future together, and may look to build on each other’s strengths for a common dream.

But at some point, perhaps after the birth of your first child, or after one or both of your careers kick in, or you relocate and lose your social group, the common ground you once shared begins to be washed away, right out from beneath your feet. And if your shared dreams get neglected by one or both of you, you may find yourself in a relationship which has no magnetic attraction for you anymore.

Let’s face it, if:

• You want to disappear into a book each night, and she prefers to watch romantic movies
• You enjoy Farmville, and she wants a backyard farm
• She’s working out three days a week and you’re polishing off all of the leftovers
• Talking about your work bores her to tears, and talking about her day is something you try to avoid
• Your version of cooking for her consists of picking up takeout, but she’d rather go to the farmers market

then chances are, you’re growing apart.

And if you both begin to always choose your favorite over theirs, then you’re not going to be growing closer anytime soon. You’ll be on autopilot, going through the motions in your relationship without any of the passion or excitement or shared experiences which add spice and flavor to a marriage.

The simplest place to look for common ground between you is in the past – what did you both really enjoy doing ‘back in the day’? Revisiting some of those things together might help rekindle something of interest between you. It may also simply trigger a nostalgic desire for ‘the good old days’, so looking to the past might not be very successful for you – especially since we want a better relationship right here and right now, between you in this moment and her in this moment. And that means accepting that she isn’t the same woman you married, and you aren’t the same man that she married.

You can build common ground again, though. It takes time, effort, and openness, but who ever said relationships are easy? In my experience, the effects of a stronger, closer marriage greatly outweigh the work involved to get there, and the following are a few ways which can help you begin.

• Ask, listen, learn: Ask about her day and how she is, and then let her speak freely. Just listen and pay attention, asking questions if you want, but not trying to ‘fix’ her problems or minimize her issues. Make a habit of opening that dialog whenever it you can. You’ll learn a lot about what makes her tick, and with any luck, you’ll also find some common ground.
• Ask her to share something with you: Make a point of trying to get her to share some of her interests with you regularly, to show you something new and interesting in her world. Be attentive and attempt to see how those things enrich her life, which in turn enriches your shared life.
• Share something new with her: Be willing to take the time to let her experience some of your world, through you, by sharing something which excites or energizes you. Maybe she’s bored to tears with your interests because you expect her to understand how you feel about it. She probably doesn’t, so show her.
• Do it together: Go with her to something she really enjoys, but which you avoid. Pretend you’re new around here, and approach it with an open mind. Leave the jokes and criticism at home, please, and instead look at how her face lights up when she’s talking about it. Next, invite her to something you enjoy and share your passion for it with her by explaining what appeals to you and how it affects you. Look for an aspect of it that you think she would appreciate.
• Dream a little dream: Start setting aside regular times when you both can talk about and plan for the future. Where do you want to be in five years? In ten years? As individuals? As a couple? Start forging a plan which includes both of your dreams, and look for those pieces of it which complement each other – those are great places to start collaborating and doing things together. Don’t just write the dream out and then shelve it. You need a living dream, not some words on paper, so revise and refine and chip away at it as a shared project.

 

Wanna read more stuff by Derek? Check out his blog NaturalPapa.com, connect with him on facebook and follow him on twitter!

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